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[ This is actually happening. That's all that's been going through Riley's mind the last few days. Almost on autopilot, she follows the directions to Dr. Daniel Dickens' office, expecting to wake from a dream before she gets there. Riley has many times imagined telling others about what she did. She's walked through the scenario countless times, with countless confidantes, from the most random passerby to her most treasured and cherished friend.

Every time, no one understands. No one listens. Every time, her world falls apart around her.

But... It's been falling apart already, she's realizing. It's been falling apart without her doing anything, and now she's holding it together with her own sweat and tears. Her own blood. She's going to bleed herself dry, if she keeps up like this.

So... When she stands outside the door and she hasn't woken up, she's vaguely relieved. It means she's actually doing something. She's taking action. That's what she's always had to do, take action herself, no one else is going to fix it, no one else was going to fix it, always Riley who has to take on the hard choices, always Riley making the sacrifices, it'd serve them right if she just—

She stands at the door. Her hand's frozen in midair, just before the knock. She blinks once, twice, and the hissing in her ear's gone.

Almost daintily, she taps on the door. ]

Excuse me? Dr. Dickens?

[ It's time for a new start. That's what she keeps telling herself. ]

[Danny doesn't seem to have noticed that she had lingered outside the door for a moment--or rather, if he even did, he certainly doesn't indicate in his tone when he responds.]

Come in.

[Riley will find that unlike some doctor's offices she may be used to, his office is not quite so clinical. In fact, aside from the desk and file cabinets lining the back of the room, the rest of it is rather cozy. There's a couch and armchairs to choose to sit in, and some bookshelves with various different books that can be seen. Most of them do appear to be medical texts or whatever passes as psychology and self help books in Ryslig, but there's a couple there are kind of hobbyist in context, like one about sewing as an example. There's also a small table with a set up for tea or coffee if desired.

Danny looks up from his paperwork at his desk here once she's properly stepped inside, offering a friendly enough smile.]

Please, sit wherever you like. Do you want anything to drink while you're here?

[ As she's never once set foot in anything but offices for physical health, never once broken a bone before this place, the sight of a less formal office gives her a moment's pause. It isn't what she'd expected it to look like, or... Well, she's not really sure what she'd expected this whole thing to look like, to begin with. Something about laying on a couch.

She chooses an armchair. ]

Um, no... no thank you, sir. [ Though she eyes the coffee for a moment, she knows it'll probably be both too weak for her tastes and too strong for her nerves. Her feathers are already puffing out. ] I, uh. I'm Riley. ...Riley Williams.

Hello Riley, I'm Doctor Danny. It's a pleasure to properly make your acquaintance.

[Danny sets aside whatever paperwork he had been looking at to pick up a clipboard and move from his desk to take the remaining armchair available, opposite of the one Riley had chosen.]

So, do you have any questions you would like to ask before we begin?

[ She can't quite meet his gaze, despite it all. She— ]

You...really won't tell anyone? Anything?

Of course. Everything said in this room is strictly kept confidential between patient and doctor.

[He says, with an accompanying hand gesture with a finger to his lips for a moment before he drops his hand back down.]

In fact, where I used to live, it was considered grounds for getting sued or losing one's license if a doctor ever spoke about their sessions without the patient's consent. And I prefer to abide by those rules, regardless of living here in this place now by comparison.

[ Everything confidential. Just like Rachel said. Okay. Riley visibly relaxes...but only a bit. She fidgets, pulling some loose skin from her hand every so often. ]

Okay... Okay, then. I... I guess I don't have any other questions? I've never really done anything like this before, so...I don't know what it's...supposed to look like.

Well, we can start wherever you like. Tell me anything about yourself that you want to share: it doesn't even have to be anything too major, it can even begin with something as small as talking about an interest or a hobby you have.

[Since that usually helps give him an idea to work off of when it comes time for making suggestions for self-care down the road later.]

[ An interest or hobby. What a place to start— Riley lets out a quick, nervous laugh. ]

Um. I cheer. I mean— cheerleading. It’s… It was my whole life before this place.

Cheerleading? Like for school events and games?

[Danny is actually very unfamiliar with that sort of thing... on account of how he spent his high school youth actively avoiding going to whatever big gatherings other students would be attending, but that's neither here nor there.]

And competitions. [ She says this slowly, still looking only at her own hands and not Daniel. ] I...um. I'm captain. Captain of my team. The Tigers.

[ Which is almost laughable. This shy, awkward girl, captain? ]

I see!

[Danny tries to offer a congratulatory smile upon hearing that.]

That's very impressive. You must have put in a lot of hard work and dedication to earn that position.

[ Another almost nervous laugh. ]

I did. I… It was my dream since I was a kid. It’s what I’m good at. …It’s…all I’m good at.

There's no need to be so modest, I'm sure there are other things you are good at as well.

[Still... hmm, that was quite a telling comment in regards to her self image, perhaps. But he waits to see what else she says first before he makes any remarks about that.]

No.

[ Riley replies quietly but immediately. ]

No, um. ...Nothing else I ever tried, was, uh. Was good enough. I wasn't.

[Danny, of course, frowns upon hearing that.]

I find that very hard to believe.

[ Her hands have curled to fists. ]

But it's true, it- they needed me to be perfect, and at least if I wasn't perfect I had to- be working harder, so maybe it- anything could be worthwhile.

[ How's this— she looks up, for the first time. ]

I-I'm sorry, this is getting— I'm not making any sense, am I?

No, it's alright.

[He's quick to try to assure her.]

Are you uncomfortable? Would you prefer if we tried to switch the topic to something else?

No. N-no, because... because this, this is what I need to...

[ Keep going. Just keep going. ]

I'm not a good person. I- [ Say it. Just say it. Say it— ] I killed them. The- some of the other girls on the team. My friends. I killed them.

[Ah.

Danny doesn't say anything for a moment, processing her confession and thinking over how to go about approaching this. It's far from the first time he's ever had people commit murder sitting across from him for a therapy session, what with having used to work in a prison setting ages ago. Some had been remorseful, while others had not. Still, he had treated them all the same, and doesn't expect to find a reason to do so differently here when he finally speaks.]

May I ask why that happened? I promise not to condemn or deliver any judgements, not when I don't know the whole story here.

[ The time between when she makes her grisly confession and Danny speaks feels like it lasts an eternity. Riley isn't sure what response she wants or really expects...just that it won't be enough. Why? Why not, why isn't he telling her she's an awful excuse for a person? Why isn't he...? ]

There was a video. [ Almost distantly, she continues. As if recounting her last days. ] We... We weren't really...good...at being a team. A lot of individual talent, but...but it never came together. We got last in every competition. We botched stunts. The whole town, they just. They laughed at us. It got worse, after... [ She breathes out. ]

There was a girl who was into gymnastics. Like...Olympic levels. Chess. She was...good. Really good. But she injured her knee and...started using painkillers. Like- like, a lot of painkillers. And, none of us could really— it was my junior year, the captain didn't try and do anything, not for her or Farrah—

[ She's getting ahead of herself. Riley pushes the heels of her hands into her eyes and takes another deep breath. The effect leaves her words slightly muffled. ]

Farrah...was a new member that year. She was also...good, but— during a game...Chess was stoned, and she dropped her. Like, completely out of formation, right on her head. Someone put it up online and it just...it skyrocketed, it spread viral, everywhere. We were a joke, and- and Farrah, she started coming to games drunk.

[ Her hands drop back to her lap, where they shake very lightly. ]

I worked...so hard... And then I finally made it, and it- it was like- like this, one little mistake, and. [ Breathe. ] I was the only person who ran for captain. I had to make the team work. To- to get everyone t-t-t- to...stop laughing at us. The school board was useless. The other g-g- girls, they didn't try to get along. And I just kept- ke- kep- kept thinking, I had to- to fix it, it elim- minate the problem—

[ She looks at Danny, lost and afraid. Like she's only just realized where she is. ]

No one was helping me.

[Danny listens without interruption, before he finally speaks.]

I see... I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with all of that on your own. And it sounds like you really were giving it your all and trying your best, despite everything going on with your teammates.

[He actually does mean this on some sincere level here: for a moment, Danny almost finds himself thinking of everyone that worked together in their building back home, and how there was a time where he felt like he was the only one doing the best work they were capable of... before he eventually gave up on caring about such things too by the end.]

[ It's the first time she's told the whole story. Giorno doesn't know. Cersei doesn't. ...Cairo doesn't. No one knows. Riley has no metric for how he might react, especially since this is the first time she's met Danny in-person. Halfway through, she starts to feel it's a mistake, talking about this— but she pushes on anyway, and now, they're here.

She's stunned silent, waiting for reprimanding that doesn't come. ]

You're...sorry? Y-y- you're. You're- you're sorry? Ev- even though, I...

Yes... why would I not be? No one deserves to go through something like that, and it sounds like many things could have been avoided if someone had taken your troubles more seriously.

[Come to think of it, where were the adults during all this?]

Did you ever try talking to anyone else about it? Like your parents or any teachers?

[ She shakes her head, still partly in shock. ]

The... School board doesn't...r-really care. There's a set of...c-coaches, but. They d-d- don't. They don't really...pay attention to- to- to the team.

[ And, well. Her parents, that's... ]

...My, um. My parents, they don't...really pay, um. Pay attention...either.

inbox (ryslig)

ACTION | April 13th, blanket cws for untreated mental illness, homicidal ideation, dissociation etc

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cw: drug addiction and alcoholism discussions, all underage

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, DOCTORIZE FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 018.07.154.55 * DOCTORIZE has posted an AUDIO MESSAGE. If you wish to listen, type LISTEN01. <USER> LISTEN01 AUDIO MESSAGE PLAYING... <doctorize>** This is the line for Dr. Daniel Dickens. If you'd like to leave a message, please do so here. I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible!